last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
