Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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