saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
