He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
