I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
