I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
