She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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