And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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