I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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