My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
