Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
