Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
