Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
