My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just forgot I was standing up.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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