i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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