Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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