it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
