the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just threw up on my dentist
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
