she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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