I hate all girls vehemently.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
