so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
