yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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