Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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