I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
