I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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