we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
