while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
