I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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