I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
