then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
