why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
being pregnant is like rehab
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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