hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
