I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's rum buckets o'clock
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
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