so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
there is glitter all over my balls
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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