yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
