I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
