You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
