remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
