Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
