im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
