I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
