Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Can you bring me the toilet please
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
