No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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