Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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