i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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