My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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