I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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