Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
