were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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