someone threw a dead crab at me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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