when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
