I think scott just propositioned me for sex
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
