I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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