why didn't you poke me back
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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