So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
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between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
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It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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