She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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