having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
